I enjoyed Kimberly’s random impulse this week. It has that strong, suspenseful, punch in the face ending that I have a love/hate relationship with. I dislike it because I want to know now but it will make it to I look for the continuation of the piece and that’s success in my mind. With that said, I do think there are some improvements that would help strengthen the body of it. First, Kimberly throws a lot of names at the reader, it makes it extremely confusing… the end clarifies the beginning a bit, but until that point I was confused (it’s not that hard to do). Also, I think there is a lot of room to add in more detail. It starts with her fixing her hair and then it jumps to opening the door to her daughter’s room. What happens in between the two points? If you are going to make the jump, I’d suggest at least adding in a transition sentence about her walking down the hall or something to that extent. It will help the reader keep up with what is happening in the story. Kimberly does this big jump again in the paragraph where Ruth is waiting and Mary walks in the room. The paragraph starts with Ruth walking down the hall and then waiting for the others. Then Mary walks in and Kimberly instantly jumps into describing her and then there is another jump when Sarah walks. The paragraph starts with Ruth waiting and ends with Sarah in her scrubs ready to go to the doctor’s office. It is a lot going on in only seven sentences. I think with more detail and flowing transitions that section of the story would make more sense to the reader…. But yeah, I’ll be waiting for part 2!
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